Teratak Firdaus

I feel like it is a sin to be wasting my breath on such travesty towards the human intellect, but I do understand that this must be done to forewarn you guys off this cliched, stupid, and absolutely moronic piece of crap.

Looking at the title, and then the trailer afterward, it struck a familiar tone to my noggin: “Highlander”. And I thought, oh yeah, great, Jim Caviezel is knocking off Chris Lambert. But no, the premise is different, and the movie is different, till I went thru the first 30 mins. After that, it went down hill, down the well, heck down to Hell.

First of all I thought, ok lah, it’s about a monster/alien movie which is set in the Norse era, ok, interesting. Then the story goes like this: this alien human came from space, crash landed in Norway, met some Vikings along the way. Then, he realized he accidentally brought to earth an Alien/monster from the planet he came from, and all hell broke loose. Ok, the fun part’s over.

Then to tell this quite interesting concept, the STUPID director/scriptwriter/tukang lampu took parts of every monster movie available on our DVDs and mashes em all into one big bowl of crappy soup, spits one or two in it and then fed the goo into our hungry mouths.

Honestly, if you have seen Aliens (1,2,3,4,5), Predator, Aliens Vs Predator, Jurassic Park, Godzilla.. whatever.. then subconsciously, you have already seen Outlander.

The storytelling, the concept, and my god even the characters were ripped off from these movies, (look for Boromir in LOTR). It’s nothing new, its as if this so called director was just so bent to bring a Viking-Alien hybrid tale, that he forgot one thing, the tale itself. Everything is so clichéd, hero came to some village/town, hero sees girl, hero now has competition with the would be king/king/prince, hero saves the day, king died, hero gets the girl and get to be king too. Woohoo, HOW ORIGINAL!!

You know what I think? I think there like a default guide for storytelling in Hollywood somewhere, I can imagine the directors went on like this:

Director A: Hey dude, I’ve got this cool story

Director B: Oh man, I’m smokin pot here, What’s that about?

Director A: It’s this cool story about this alien guy, he’s like from space.. and he crashed on earth like a 1000 years ago…and..uhh.. he brought with him an alien monster and he fought with the alien… on earth .. yeah

Director B: Wait wait, this one guy fought the monster alone? I dunno man

Director A: No.. no… He found these village people, and they fought with him.. but uhhh I’m stumped man… I got nothing after that.. I wanna make it cool

Director B: How about u make the village people Vikings?

Director A: oh yeah!! COOOL duuude, then what?

Director B: Duuuh… hey just use the Default story ya dumbass, where’d ya put the manual Hollywood gave you?

Director A: Uhuh yeah, forgot abt that.. uhh have some more pot?

Director B: Yeah, lets all smoke pot

Let’s just sum up what’s wrong with the movie:

1.The monster looks like Alien/Godzilla hybrid.

2. The alien hero who’s clearly gonna steal the (would be) king’s girlfriend had no confrontation with the king, nope, nada, zilch! On top of that the king ‘sacrificed’ himself in the end, wow, how CONVENIENT. It’s like they aren’t even trying to put something into that tension, it’s as if they just made a cool shortcut for this alien outlander to get the girl.

3. This alien hero is oh so conveniently human (to get the girl you know)

4. Why on earth the spaceship fell on earth in the first place is stupidly hidden, yeah they did try to explain, but hey, how’d you explain crashing I dunno, BILLIONS of light years away from us  and crash landed here.. directly to earth?? We have like sooo many planets in between, why earth???

5. And my god, Norse women were really really strong!! Why? Imagine a 3 ton truck kay, roaming around your village, and eating away the village people (for fuel I suppose). So you set for a quest to destroy this drago.. I mean truck who just so happens to live in I dunno, probably a volcano, with a very steep 90 degree cliff.. with a waterfall just to make it look cool. OK, so you fight this truck and you tricked it to the edge of the cliff and it fell off. But no, the truck somehow able to caught your left arm before falling (he had a very good set of tyres, grips great), and hung on, all 3 tons of girth, just hanging.. from a 90 degree cliff all supported by your one arm. But then, oh no, you’re slipping, why? Because the laws of physics dictates that a body affected by gravitational pull cannot be stopped by another body with a much lesser opposite force (translation: you cannot have a 3 ton truck  hanging from your arm!!). Ok fine, then this girl, suddenly grabs you and hold on to you, you stopped slipping and hung on, with that 3 ton truck from the edge of the 90 degree cliff, with your arm holding that 3 ton truck… just hanging.. am I getting through here?

My advice, don’t waste your money, go watch what, Bride wars or something, at least you’d get to see girls fight.